X is for Kisses (XOXO!)

Beware of the Mad Kisser!

Yes, you read that right. The Mad Kisser is on the loose in our home. Cover your face and proceed with caution, as you'll never know exactly when she'll strike!

Not my daughter, but this is a cute pair of kissing elephants!
Photo by Yana Ray, courtesy of Public Domain Pictures

Okay, MK (Mad Kisser, not Michelle Kwan) is actually my overly affectionate two-year-old daughter, and, depending on what she's just finished eating, you might want to run in the opposite direction if you see her coming, lest you fall victim to one of her messy kisses. I've been on the receiving end of more of MK's kisses than I can count, and I've learned that they usually fall into five slobbery categories.



First we have the Standard Wet Kiss (SWK), which most often occurs immediately after MK has guzzled a cup of water.

♥ Telltale sign: a wet face, including nose, mouth, and chin
♥ Recommendation: Unless you're wearing a silk shirt, proceed with the kiss. (Believe me, MK is too cute to resist, especially when her face isn't too messy. Besides, the SWK causes little harm--unless, of course, you're wearing that silk shirt. Wait. Why are you still standing there? Run!)

No, not that kind of goldfish.
Image courtesy of Scott Liddell
rgbstock.com

Next on the list is the Cheesy Goldfish Kiss (CGK). I must warn you that this kiss can cause severe consequences if you don't take proper precautions.

♥ Telltale sign: Day-Glo orange lips
♥ Recommendation: If you're wearing clothing, run. (And if you're not wearing clothing, you'd better run anyway. This is my house, not a nudist colony.) So...just run. Day-Glo lips mean Day-Glo hands. Trust me. I know this.


Third up on the list is the I Just Ate Pancakes with Maple Syrup and Now I Want to Share My Breakfast with You Kiss (IJAPWMSANIWTSMBWYK). This kiss is as horrifying to behold as its acronym is to say.

♥ Telltale signs: Sticky, shiny lips, cheeks, nose, chin--and sometimes hair.
♥ Recommendation: Don't let MK get near you. If she succeeds in her mission, the two of you will be glued together all morning. Your best strategy is to hold a wet wipe out in front of you and slowly move away. Then call for backup. This girl can move fast.

Next is the Spaghetti/Pizza Kiss (S/PK). This kiss leaves MK with an almost indelible sauce mustache that is difficult to miss.  

♥ Telltale signs: a red sauce-rimmed mouth; hands will likely be red sauce-covered as well

♥ Recommendation: Unless you want to look like you just got home from a food fight, run. If for some reason you can't run, barricade yourself behind the couch, then yell for help. If help doesn't arrive, surrender, then grab the afghan off the couch and wrap it around yourself. (Work quickly!) It's okay. I forgive you for ruining my afghan.

Finally, if I had to choose a favorite of MK's messy kisses, it would be this one: the Holiday Chocolate Kiss (HCK), which tends to be pretty common at our house around Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween, and Christmas. Similar kisses include the Birthday Cake Kiss (BCK), Brownie Kiss (BK), and Cookie Kiss (CK).

♥ Telltale signs: a brown, sticky, sweetly scented face

♥ Recommendation: Do nothing. Embrace the kiss, clothing and face be damned. A little chocolate doesn't hurt anything--and it can help a good deal!

So there you have it: an (almost) definitive guide to the Mad Kisser!

Can you babysit next week? ;)

In all seriousness, a few days ago I wrote about how my life, chaotic though it is, is truly my Utopia. Similarly, my daughter's kisses are my Xanadu. Despite the stickiness and the stains and the Day-Glo orange mustaches I inevitably sport after she gets me with one of her kisses, I love them all the same.

Because really, when you think about it, what could be better than a child's kiss, no matter how sloppy?

XOXO


What's your Xanadu?