Friday, January 28, 2011

Guilt and Panic

I had a minor panic attack about my to-do list this morning. There's just so much to do, and the things I want to do keep getting pushed farther and farther down the list. My writing ends up coming last most days, mainly because I don't think my husband really supports me, and so when he's around, if I try to write, I feel guilty--like I'm not doing enough to "earn my keep." He's really not that bad, I guess, but our house is by no means spotless, and sometimes when he comes home from work I feel like he's looking around, checking to see what I've cleaned or straightened or put away. Those "inspections" are embarrassing--they make me feel more like an employee than a wife--and I'm sure that I'm falling short in his eyes. All of this just adds to the pressure I feel.

Today's to-do list, the source of all my panic, is long, and I know I won't complete it. I don't complete it most days, and I'm not sure what to do about that. I already try to prioritize, to do the most crucial things first. I can't sleep any less; I only get four or five hours a night now. I just don't know what to do to make it all work. I'm at a loss.

I guess that today I'm just going to try to take things one at a time and get through as much as I can. That means my writing will once again be last, though--and that makes me sad (and even a little angry).

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