Mommy Guilt

Today's 100 words:

As parents, we all want our kids to be happy, but sometimes we can't do everything they'd like. For example, today I didn't take my children to storytime. I know they're disappointed, but I needed to do other things. Enter Mommy Guilt.

My mom didn't drive, and my dad worked long hours, so I didn't get to do some of the activities my peers did. I also missed many of my friends' birthday parties. I'm sure Mom must have felt the guilt I do now, but I don't feel deprived, and my children won't either. I need to remember that.

Still struggling to find that balance

I started this blog as a way of trying to figure out how to balance my responsibilities as a stay-at-home mom with my passion for writing. I needed a place to record my thoughts--not only my thoughts about writing but about family life and other musings as well--so that I could step back and see where I could make changes or alter my days so that I have time to do everything I want to do. I needed a plan.

I haven't found one yet.

What I've learned most from seeing parts of my life "in print" is that I can't do it all. This is something I've always known, of course, but recording my thoughts here has made me see how true it is, and since I've always been a perfectionist, this truth really hurts. I see that I'm hard on myself for not being able to cross everything off my to-do list each day, and I suffer from a huge case of Mommy Guilt whenever I try to do something for myself. For example, if I decide to write a few paragraphs instead of playing a game with the kids, I feel almost crippled by the guilt. All I can think of is that I'm "wasting" their childhood and that I should be spending every possible minute I can with them before I'm no longer the center of their world.

And I learned that I suffer from another kind of guilt as well: Writer Guilt.  If I use naptime to try to keep up with the laundry instead of plotting the next part of my WIP, I feel guilty. If I opt to walk on the treadmill before the kids are up instead of working on the 100 words exercises I do each morning, I feel guilty. If I decide to relax by watching television when the kids go to bed instead of trying to edit or write another chapter, I feel guilty. The list goes on.

There are so many important things that I want to do and that I need to do, and I can't seem to find the balance.

It occurred to me today that maybe I just have a guilty personality. I've felt guilty about things all my life, some serious and some silly: guilt over going out with friends rather than spending time with my now deceased grandma; guilt over leaving my dog at home when I know that she'd really like to go for a ride in the car; guilt over opting to sleep in instead of going to church... I realize that everyone experiences guilt, but I think I take it to an extreme. I let it paralyze me until I'm unable to accomplish anything. Maybe it is just part of my personality, something innate, wired in. But I know I could learn to control it, if only I knew how.

Since I can't seem to find the answer--if there is one--I want to ask you. How do you achieve balance in your life? How do you decide which of your responsibilities is most important at any given moment? How do you "do it all"? Or if you don't accomplish everything, how do you find peace about the things that you're not able to do?

Unconditional, unquestioning love

Today was another rough day with the kids. Even though they're still very young, they've already started to gang up on me, and their screaming and fighting and unwillingness to listen really got to me this afternoon. I felt pushed to my edge and yelled, which I don't like to do and which I always feel guilty about afterward. The day seemed extra long because my husband worked late tonight, and I couldn't wait for him to get home so that I could sneak out for an hour before the kids' bedtime. I had to buy Easter basket treats, so I needed to go out for that, but maybe more importantly, I needed that time to myself. I needed the peace. When my husband came home, I practically ran out the door.

When I returned home, my son, the son that I had yelled at all day long, ran to the door and hugged me around the knees, and shouted, "Mama! Mama's home!" I wanted to cry. After everything bad that had happened today, he was still excited to see me. Despite it all, he was glad I was home.

I was too.

Not the Mommy Guilt!

I'm feeling some Mommy Guilt today. We were supposed to get a huge storm last night, and I decided early this morning when I was awakened by sleet pinging against the window that I wouldn't take the kids to storytime today. It's held at the Barnes and Noble across town, and I worried the roads would be icy. I dislike driving in the winter, particularly since I was rear-ended a little over a year ago. Snowstorms cause me to clutch the wheel in a white-knuckled grip, praying all the while. I decided not to put myself through that today, and so I slept in a bit and woke up too late to get them to the bookstore.

 

When I looked out the window, however, I saw a gray day, yes, but only a light dusting of snow: no sleet, no blizzard, no trees bent in high winds. And so now I feel that infamous Mommy Guilt, that "I should have taken them to storytime since they love it so much" thought playing on repeat in my mind. I know my kids won't care; they may not even realize that today was a storytime day, but I feel guilty nevertheless, just one more guilt to add to the already towering pile.

 

Mommy Guilt: bah!