The bad, the good, and NaNoWriMo

The bad news? I'm still in a writing slump. I don't know what it is*, but whenever I sit down to write, I find myself paralyzed by the blank page (screen). However, the other day, a very helpful Twitter friend, @noelle_clark, asked me if I had thought about doing NaNoWriMo this year, as she was sure that it would be just the thing to get me writing again. The good news? I think she may be right.

Most writers probably know that November is National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo). According to the Web site, "National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing on November 1. The goal is to write a 50,000-word (approximately 175-page) novel by 11:59:59, November 30." What's different about NaNoWriMo is that writers are encouraged to work on new projects and write without worrying about quality, reasoning that getting the words down is more important. After all, what "they" say is true: words can be edited later, but a blank page can't.

That blank page is a real issue for me. I think that part of my problem with writing is my desire for perfectionism. I want everything to be just right, so if, for example, the first line doesn't sing, I just can't get past it. (Hello, WIP.) It's okay to want perfectionism, but to expect to have it in the first draft just sets the writer (me) up for failure. (Somehow, though, I keep forgetting this.) Perhaps trying once again to abandon my inner critic and give myself permission to write--as the NaNo rules state--"crap" will help me to get over this hurdle.

I can't remember now how many times I've participated in NaNoWriMo, but I think a good guess would be about four. I "won" two of those years, which means that I made the 50,000-word goal before November 30. I did do what I call an unofficial NaNo last year--unofficial because I wrote a memoir rather than fiction. I ended the month with over 70,000 words on that project, so even though I didn't follow the rules to a tee, I definitely consider the effort much worth my time.

As of this moment, I'm leaning toward participating again this year, although I'm not sure what my project will be. I could do another unofficial NaNo and work on my Jed WIP, but I'm concerned that that particular project is the cause of my writing burnout. I think it might be better to work on something new--but what? Unlike most writers, I seem to have a problem with coming up with solid story ideas, but maybe by the time November rolls around, I'll be able to find a workable one.

What about you? Are you participating in NaNoWriMo this year? Have you participated in the past? And does writing with no goal other than hitting a specific word count work for you?


*On second thought, I do have an inkling. See paragraph 3.

Uninspired. Any advice?

I'm feeling completely uninspired today. Nothing I attempt to write--blog posts, scene outlines, even Tweets--seems right. Everything is trite, dull. Uninspired.

So tell me: what do you do when you want to write but the words just aren't there? How do you get past the block?

A short break for some good WIP news!

After waking up today feeling completely dejected about the lack of progress I've made on my WIP, I sat down this afternoon and revamped the entire outline, breaking the story down scene by scene until I had something that seems much more cohesive and interesting than its predecessor. I'm very excited--and relieved!

And now--back to work!

A progress report

I've been home for about a week now, and I'm still not back into the swing of things as far as my writing goes. Vacation always alters my life's "schedule," and even after it's over, I find myself feeling sort of off-kilter. Before we left for our trip, I had been working on my novel during the hours before the kids woke up, but since we got back, I've been using that time to catch up on laundry and all the other household tasks I had neglected to do before we left, and work on my WIP has been put on a back burner. As far as my novel goes, then, I'm giving myself a C for effort--and that's only because I'm grading on a curve! ;) Maybe next week I'll feel less tired and stressed and more inspired. Here's hoping!

I have been managing to keep up with my 100-word exercises, however. I enjoy them. They usually don't take long, which has been a bonus lately, and they allow me to get other thoughts out of my mind in order to make room for reflection about my projects. (Even though I haven't been writing my WIP, I have been thinking about it.) The exercises are also a good way for me to banish some of the doubts I have about myself as a writer. Through them, I let my inner critic speak. When she's done having her say, I feel like I can ignore her for the rest of the day, which helps my creative mind immensely. I generally don't post these 100-word "talks" with my inner critic, but maybe someday I'll share some of them here.

Enough about me: I feel like I'm so behind on all of your projects. How are they going? How would you grade your progress?

Pressure

"But you will come to a place where the only thing you feel are loaded guns in your face, and you'll have to deal with pressure." ~"Pressure" by Billy Joel

Pressure. I've been feeling it a lot lately: a tug-of-war between following my dream and caring for my family. I've wanted to be a published writer since I was very young. In some ways I've succeeded--I was a journalist and have a portfolio of published articles--but my ultimate dream has always been to publish a book--to be able to walk into a bookstore and find my humble words on the shelf beside those of so many others. I've been working toward this goal for years, writing and rewriting the rough drafts of various books and working on other pieces as well, all with my eyes toward achieving my goal.

For the past several weeks, however, I've felt as if my dream is just that--a dream. I don't know if I'll ever achieve it. I've written before about the pressure I feel to be a good mother and the pressure I feel to work toward my writing dreams: those two things compete, leaving me feeling guilty about the amount of time I spend with my children versus the amount of time I spend writing. Pressure and guilt. Some days I feel like I'm missing my children's childhoods as I sit and type at the computer. Other days I feel like my writing dreams are slipping away while I take my kids to storytime or bring them to playdates featuring perpetual games of Candy Land. I can't seem to find a balance. And the pressure to do so--to somehow come to grips with the guilt--has gotten to be too much.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I need to take a break from my larger projects--but only my larger ones. I could never stop writing completely; I would never want to. I need to write. I know that. Maybe I should just focus on my short stories, on my 100-word pieces, and on this blog. Right now, I don't know if I can keep working on my books, following that dream. I know there will come a point when my children won't need me so much--a point that I dread because it already makes me feel so sad. But maybe then it will be time to follow my dream. Or maybe that time is now, and if I don't do it right this second, I never will. I really don't know. I wish I did.

Pressure.

Jed's still talking!

I haven't mentioned my WIP in several weeks, so here's a quick update:

I finished outlining Jed's story and have started writing the first chapter. Things are going well so far, except for the lack of writing time I've had in the past month or so due to birthdays, visitors, vacation planning, etc. I hope to get a large chuck of the book written before I leave for Michigan next month, so I need to start that push next week. Jed's constantly yammering in my ear, and if I want my brain to myself for a while, I have to get this book written soon!

Novel update

Tonight I only have time for a quick update on my WIP. My husband worked all weekend, leaving me with the kids, and as anyone who's a stay-at-home or single parent can attest, being with the kids all week long and then having no help on the weekend makes for two long, very tiring days. I think I'll actually have to do something unprecedented tonight: go to bed early.

Anyway, I'm still in the planning stages of my novel, but the work is going well. Right now I'm doing research and outlining the story's major events, after which I'll go back and fill in some of the individual scenes. I wasn't sure in the beginning if I was going to outline this story or not, but I'm glad I decided to take the time to do so. I feel more confident knowing where the story needs to go. However, I also know that I need to leave room for my talkative protagonist to tell me as I'm writing if he intends to take another path.

He's crafty that way!

Mining the past

Now that I'm working on a young adult novel, I've found myself thinking about high school and trying to remember what it was like to be a teenager all those years ago. Grades were important to me then, as was band (I was definitely a bank geek!), but boys made my "Things That Matter to Me" list as well. I dated one guy, Greg, during my last two years of high school and while I was studying for my undergraduate degree, and it was a relationship that we both thought would last forever. We talked marriage and kids... I shake my head when I think of that now. We were so young and knew so little about life and love and what "forever" really meant. Still, the memories I have of the relationship are mainly good ones, and unearthing those experiences has been both fun and useful for my writing.

Greg inspired this 100-words exercise I wrote last February:

I've thought about my high school boyfriend occasionally throughout the years, and sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if we had stayed together. We dated for six years--two years of high school and four of college--and I was the one to end the relationship. I was restless, fearful of becoming so comfortable with life that I would miss out on whatever it was that could be ahead for me. I've always felt bad about the way I ended things. He's a good person, and I hear he's doing well. I'm happy for him.

Do you ever think about your high school relationships? What about that girl you thought was out of your league or that guy you'd had a crush on for years but were afraid to ask out?  There's such a rich mine of writing material to be found in our pasts! How do you use your memories to add realism to your writing?

Embracing the moments

I wake up each morning with the best of intentions. I'll work on my novel before the kids get up, I'll say to myself. And I'll clean the kitchen and sweep the downstairs rooms and call my sister, too. But these are just lies, apparently, because I undoubtedly finish only one or two tasks, sometimes ones that aren't even on my "Good Intentions" list. Today, however, my goal is to forget everything but writing. Dirty dishes and laundry be damned. This morning, I'm going to do what I love to do: I'm going to write.

I wrote this exercise early this morning, and I'm happy to say that I did write, although I had a hard time ignoring the dirty dishes waiting for me in the sink. (Lucky for me, they were still there when I finished writing...) I didn't do much work on my WIP for the rest of the day, however, as I instead ended up doing bits and pieces of other things around the house, accomplishing a lot but nothing that would really be noticeable to anyone else (i.e. my husband). But this morning's writing session was peaceful and productive, and I hope to make early-morning work on my novel more of a habit on the days when the kids sleep in and the laundry pile graciously declines to beckon to me.

Simmering

He keeps talking to me.

He whispers in my ear as I try to sleep. He shouts above the screams of my fighting children as I attempt to write. He murmurs to me as I read, sharing bits and pieces of his life.

If I didn't love him so much, I'd find him annoying.

Who is he? It's Jed, the main character in my new WIP. If you follow my Twitter account (@raineerose), you know that I've had some angst-filled moments of late, moments when I've decried Jed's reluctance to settle on a plot, but a wise friend of mine (Monica--thank you!) has advised me to give the story some time and let it unfold as it will. That's good advice, I think, especially for a writer like me, who is incredibly impatient and wants to know everything about the story now. It's hard to sit quietly when all I want to do is begin telling the tale, but I know that the story will be stronger if I take the time to really think it through.

So I've taken my friend's advice. I'm letting the story sit, and I'm discovering that Jed's voice is clearer when my mind is open--when I'm not consciously thinking about the plot. I'm reminded of Field of Dreams and the popular but often misquoted "If you build it, he will come." I think it's the same with writing. I've laid the foundation--I have my idea, my protagonist, and a rough idea of the plot. Now I just need to wait for Jed to fill me in on the story, sharing with me the things that make his story one that needs to be told. In the meantime, I've been visiting writing forums, studying books about crafting YA novels, and reading work by current YA authors. I haven't stopped thinking about my story--not at all--but I've managed to put it on a back burner, allowing it to simmer away while I do other things. I'm waiting.

And I think my story will be better for it.

An amazing site

For those of you who have never visited the Absolute Write forums, I highly recommend them to you. I've been a member for years, and I spent a ton of time there this week, mainly in the Young Adult section, as I researched writing for the teen market. The people who post at Absolute Write are amazing; I don't think there's a question that can be asked that one of them can't answer. I was--and still am--overwhelmed by the plethora of information in the 104 pages that currently make up the YA section, but so many of my questions have been answered--even before I could ask them.

As far as my novel goes, Jed has continued to talk to me, and I'm looking forward to taking what I've learned from my research and beginning to tell his story.

Oh, Sleep, why do you hate me so?

This morning's 100 words, written soon after I realized that I had overslept, inadvertently sabotaging the day's writing plans:

I overslept this morning, but instead of feeling energized, I feel even more sluggish. I'm upset that my alarm didn't wake me. I had wanted to work on my WIP, a project I'm excited about, but now it's almost time to get the kids, almost time to start my Mommy day, and once I don my Mommy hat, Writer Me gets put away, shoved in a closet or under a bed somewhere, languishing among dirty socks and lost toys until naptime. But even then, dinner must be made, laundry must be done, and Writer Me gets shelved for another day.

A new beginning

I started my new novel today. I haven't written more than a few hundred words thus far, but I'm already starting to see the shape the book will take, and I'm excited to continue working on it.

My biggest obstacle is--as usual--finding time. Life with two small children is unpredictable, and ever since my son was born four years ago, it's been difficult for me to devise and maintain a writing schedule. I do write every day, but some days are more productive than others, and I know from experience that if I tell myself that I have to complete a certain number of words each week or month, I'll only succeed in becoming stifled and won't enjoy what I'm writing. I love this project--it's important to me--so I'm going to strive to keep it fun. I'm not going to give myself a time frame; rather I'm going to write as much as I can, when I can. I like this story idea too much to make it seem like work.

As long as Jed, my main character, continues to speak, I'll continue to listen, and I'm excited to see where he takes me.

In which I think out loud

"I gotta tell my story. It's the only way I can make things right." ~Jed, a character in my new WIP

Jed said these words to me yesterday--along with many others. He's the first character I've met in quite some time who's been very willing to divulge his story with little prompting from me. If I let him go on this way--telling me bits and pieces of his life--I can see the story forming. It's only when I start to second-guess him that the direction of the story becomes unclear.

I second-guessed Jed today.

Jed appears to me as an octogenarian with a need to tell about the things that have happened to him throughout his life, showing how the challenges he faced led him to his current situation. The story he tells encompasses not only his early life but also his later years with his own family--his wife and children--and highlights his regrets and the wisdom he hopes to impart to his grandchildren, in the hope that they won't make his mistakes.

Today, however, I started to wonder if the story would best be told with a focus only on Jed's youth, written as a young adult novel about how he coped with his mother's illness and how that illness affected him and shaped his character. I can see two possible challenges if I choose this scenario: first, I've never written young adult novels, and second, I've never written a male main character. Neither of these challenges is insurmountable, of course--there's a first time for everything, after all--but I admit that I'm a little nervous about this second scenario due mainly to my lack of knowledge of the young adult market. Reading current YA books would help, of course, and to this end, on Twitter today I asked for recommendations of good, well-written young adult novels with strong male main characters. I would appreciate your suggestions, too--just in case I choose to take this path.

I think in the end, I'm probably going to have to try writing both stories to see which one fits Jed best. No matter which focus I choose, this book will be a challenge for me both in its subject matter and in its form--but it's a challenge that I'm looking forward to.

Epiphany?

I've mentioned before how my current fiction project is stalled. For whatever reason, I've reached a point I can't seem to see past. In my May 15th blog post, I talked about how I haven't worked on this WIP in weeks; by work, I mean that I haven't written any new words. However, I have been thinking about it constantly--even dreaming about it--but when it comes to producing words, I can't do it. I don't know if I'm blocked or just too close to the story or what, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. It's been a very frustrating experience.

It occurred to me this morning that I should probably set that project aside for a  while--completely. I don't even want to think about it; instead, I hope to let my subconscious work on it and--(fingers crossed)--find a way out. In the meantime, I think I'm going to shift my focus to writing more short stories and trying my hand at flash fiction. I'm hoping a change in "scenery" might help me to gain new perspective on my novel.

Staying drunk on writing

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." ~Ray Bradbury

It occurred to me today that, although I've mentioned my other writing projects in passing, I haven't described them with any detail. Lately my mind has been completely wrapped up in my stalled fiction WIP, a contemporary story about love and infidelity, but even though I'm having trouble with that novel, I am staying drunk on writing by working on a couple of other projects in the meantime.

The first project, my father's memoir, is close to my heart, a story that I want to tell both because I think it's important to record family history and because I think that my dad's career as a logger in Upper Michigan is something that would interest the locals. My dad grew up as the oldest of ten children, with about twenty-five years between him and his youngest brother, Jeffrey, who passed away last summer. Uncle Jeff was actually several months younger than my dad's own son, my brother--definitely an interesting dynamic. Dad has so many stories about growing up among all those kids and about logging with his father, from the early days when horses, rather than semis, were still used in the woods until he retired several years ago. He's recorded many of his stories for me, and I'm in the process of transcribing them--a long, painstaking job--and deciding on the focus and direction I need to take as I write his story.

My other project is also a memoir--my own. I was a NaNoWriMo rebel last November; instead of writing a novel, as the rules require, I wrote about memories from my own life--my childhood, school years, first loves, my marriages, the births of my children... I ended up "winning" NaNo, exceeding the required 50,000-word count by more than 20,000 words, which just shows that I can blather on about myself with the best of them! I've had this project on hold since November. I need to think about a unifying theme, that one thing that my memoir is about, which, since doing so involves stepping back and looking objectively at my own life--at moments I lived--is proving to be difficult. I'll go back to it one day, though, if for no other reason than to ensure that my kids will know what my life was like and how it shaped the person I am today.

In addition to these projects, I work on several smaller pieces each day, from vignettes to short stories to other writing that defies easy classification. I'm always working on something. I have to write. It's the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'd love to hear about your projects. What have you been working on lately?

The Elephant

There's an elephant in the room--or in my blog, rather. It's writing. I haven't said much about my WIP lately because truthfully, I haven't written any new words for quite some time. I do a lot of writing each day, both here and on other sites, but I haven't been able to bring myself to work on my project. I've stalled.

My reluctance to work on my book stems from the fact that fiction is starting to be too much like fact. Goethe once said, "Every author in some way portrays himself in his works, even if it be against his will." I think that's exactly where I am. My book has become too real. I'm drawing from my life and my experiences, which I do think is valuable in creating believable prose, but this time, I feel exposed. This time, I'm portraying myself against my will.

What will I do? I'll write through it; I have no choice. I have to tell the story, and the only way to do that is to write. But I think that leaving this project alone for several weeks was important; I think that it may have given me some clarity. My step back will help me to move forward.

And I will.

Writing is intensely personal. I agree with Goethe that the writer can't divorce himself from his writing; something of him--an experience, a trait, an emotion, a glimpse of his soul--will always be present in whatever he creates. It can't not be there.

What about you? Have you ever come to a point where your writing became too real, perhaps revealing things you didn't want or weren't prepared to reveal? What did you do?

Still struggling to find that balance

I started this blog as a way of trying to figure out how to balance my responsibilities as a stay-at-home mom with my passion for writing. I needed a place to record my thoughts--not only my thoughts about writing but about family life and other musings as well--so that I could step back and see where I could make changes or alter my days so that I have time to do everything I want to do. I needed a plan.

I haven't found one yet.

What I've learned most from seeing parts of my life "in print" is that I can't do it all. This is something I've always known, of course, but recording my thoughts here has made me see how true it is, and since I've always been a perfectionist, this truth really hurts. I see that I'm hard on myself for not being able to cross everything off my to-do list each day, and I suffer from a huge case of Mommy Guilt whenever I try to do something for myself. For example, if I decide to write a few paragraphs instead of playing a game with the kids, I feel almost crippled by the guilt. All I can think of is that I'm "wasting" their childhood and that I should be spending every possible minute I can with them before I'm no longer the center of their world.

And I learned that I suffer from another kind of guilt as well: Writer Guilt.  If I use naptime to try to keep up with the laundry instead of plotting the next part of my WIP, I feel guilty. If I opt to walk on the treadmill before the kids are up instead of working on the 100 words exercises I do each morning, I feel guilty. If I decide to relax by watching television when the kids go to bed instead of trying to edit or write another chapter, I feel guilty. The list goes on.

There are so many important things that I want to do and that I need to do, and I can't seem to find the balance.

It occurred to me today that maybe I just have a guilty personality. I've felt guilty about things all my life, some serious and some silly: guilt over going out with friends rather than spending time with my now deceased grandma; guilt over leaving my dog at home when I know that she'd really like to go for a ride in the car; guilt over opting to sleep in instead of going to church... I realize that everyone experiences guilt, but I think I take it to an extreme. I let it paralyze me until I'm unable to accomplish anything. Maybe it is just part of my personality, something innate, wired in. But I know I could learn to control it, if only I knew how.

Since I can't seem to find the answer--if there is one--I want to ask you. How do you achieve balance in your life? How do you decide which of your responsibilities is most important at any given moment? How do you "do it all"? Or if you don't accomplish everything, how do you find peace about the things that you're not able to do?

Flipping the switch

One of my biggest writing challenges is my struggle to make the transition from Mom mode to Writer mode. I schedule some of my writing time during my daughter's nap (my son has quiet playtime then), and I often have trouble leaving behind all of the stresses of the day in order to concentrate on my writing. Instead of working on my WIP, I'll find myself making a store list or doing laundry or just sitting in front of the computer thinking about the meltdown my kids had at storytime or what I need to do to get dinner on the table on time. All of these thoughts get tangled up with thoughts about my story and my characters, resulting in a snarl of ideas that seems impossible to sort out in those few precious moments of writing time.

Certainly this struggle isn't unusual, and I'm sure that all writers, whether they stay at home with their kids or work outside (or inside) their homes, have similar struggles. One thing I've been trying to do to ensure better productivity is to schedule more writing time early in the morning, when the house is still quiet and the stresses of the day haven't yet had a chance to become forefront in my mind. I've been scheduling this morning time since the beginning of April, and although it's been working well, I would like to be able to get even writing done at different times throughout the day. However, flipping that switch from Mommy mode to Writer mode is proving to be very difficult, and I'm not yet sure how to overcome that challenge.

I'm curious. How do you put aside other thoughts so that you can fully concentrate on your writing?

My dog ate my homework!

I'm having a hard time writing my post tonight, but only because I can't get my mind off my WIP. Thank you all again for your suggestions about how to make a cheating wife seem sympathetic. I've been brainstorming directions for each of your points and have been coming up with a lot of good possibilities.

In lieu of a blog post, I'd like to post another snippet about my grandma. I wrote this one this morning as my 100-word writing warm-up. It's something I remembered while I was thinking about the children who hang around in this neighborhood:

The neighborhood kids called her a witch. They'd ride their bikes up and down her street, making wide sweeps past her driveway, advising each other to "Watch out. The witch lives there." I don't remember if I witnessed this happen or if I was merely told about it later, about these kids who bestowed upon her such a thoughtless title, but what I do know is that I could never understand why. There was nothing witchy about my kind grandma, a woman who always helped out the neighborhood kids, bought what they were selling, gave them prime chocolate every Halloween...